Changing the Dance: Dr Jeni’s Story of Relationship Transformation
[⇒ Watch Dr Jeni's video interview here]
Dr Jeni Wahlig lives just south of Seattle, Washington, where she has spent a lifetime thinking about relationships - first as a scholar and therapist (MA, PhD in couple and family therapy), and now as a relationship coach. For years, though, the relationship that mattered most - at home - felt fragile.
She and Calvin (Cal) called each other soulmates. They’d dated once before, separated for seven years, then found their way back. Love was real, but so were the struggles. Time together often felt draining. Disagreements looped.
Dr Jeni describes those days as “living on breadcrumbs” - wanting closeness, partnership, and ease, and getting very little. She kept explaining what she needed; nothing shifted. The strain seeped into sleep, health, work, and friendships. For someone who helped other couples for a living, it was a painful contradiction.
The turning point arrived on an ordinary phone call in the middle of another argument.
Cal, in a season he later described as a personal dark night of the soul, told the truth plainly: he was giving everything he had right then. It wasn’t enough for her - and he couldn’t give more yet. She could accept what was possible for the moment, or leave and find someone who could meet her needs now.
Dr Jeni heard two things at once. She did deserve more. And she didn’t want to lose him.
So she made a different kind of choice. She did not agree to crumbs forever. She chose to accept what was genuinely available right now while shifting her focus from “what he must change” to “what I can change.” If she couldn’t make him give more, could she make it safer and easier to want to? Could she take fuller responsibility for her side of the dance?
That decision reframed everything.
Dr Jeni leant into a simple truth she now teaches: thoughts and beliefs feed each other - and together they drive our actions. When her mind told the story “he won’t try,” her body followed with tension, criticism, and distance. New stories opened new possibilities.
A small example helped her practice:
Dr Jeni’s primary love language is words of affirmation; Cal’s is physical touch. Words don’t come easily for him. He’s what she affectionately calls “neuro-spicy,” and wiring thoughts to language under pressure can be tough.
In the old pattern, a clumsy sentence (or a silent hug) confirmed he wasn’t trying. In the new pattern, she saw the effort behind the awkwardness. She softened. She invited simple attempts. When he hugged her, she let the hug count, pairing his embrace with the sentences she needed in her own mind. Instead of rejecting the love he could give, she let it land.
The climate changed quickly.
As safety rose, defensiveness fell. Fights eased. Fun returned. Cal wanted to be around her more; he had more to give. When she later asked what had shifted, their shared answer was gentler language: they each began “owning their part.” Not blame. Not self-erasure. Just honest, empowered responsibility.
This wasn’t a tidy, overnight fix. Dr Jeni is a natural fixer (like many women she works with) and one of her hardest lessons was to “sit on her hands” when jumping in would only inflame things. A trusted mentor, seasoned in self-development and accountability work, kept steering her back to that discipline: pause, look inward, act from clarity rather than reactivity.
As their relationship warmed, the professional dominos fell into place. Dr Jeni stepped away from traditional therapy and, together with Cal, built a relationship coaching practice focused on transformation.
Therapy had taught her to map problems; coaching let them build solutions.
Instead of endlessly excavating “what’s wrong,” they help couples get clear on what they want next - and take present-moment steps to create it.
They now teach a three-pillar method:
- Liberation: free yourself from the loops—old stories, protective patterns, and the autopilot reactions that keep the conflict alive.
- Learning: acquire the skills none of us were formally taught—how to de-escalate, repair, communicate needs, and regulate emotions.
- Lead with Love: practice empowered accountability by asking, “What conscious next step can I take that’s most likely to create the result I want?”
The love-language story is just one illustration inside that larger frame: safety first, then skills, then small, consistent steps.
Today, Dr Jeni and Cal live what he jokingly calls the “trifecta of maximum growth” because they are romantic partners, co-parents, and business partners. It isn’t always easy, but they have tools, shared language, and a commitment to make change safe. And that matters, because, as Dr Jeni emphasises:
People need to feel safe in order to change.
When the nervous system isn’t braced for attack, growth becomes possible.
Dr Jeni often ends their story with a handful of simple invitations:
For anyone who desires to improve their own relationship
- Stop waiting for the other person to go first. You can’t control their steps, but you can change the rhythm of the dance by changing yours.
- Tend your inner narrative. Notice the story you’re telling; choose the one that opens your heart and your options. Thoughts → beliefs → actions.
- Make love easier to give and safer to receive. Let their way of loving “count,” even as you keep voicing what nourishes you.
- Trade fixing for curiosity. When tempted to push, pause. Ask, “What part is mine here? What small step would move us forward?”
- Get support. Transformation is faster and kinder with guidance, whether that’s coaching, a course, or a wise mentor who holds you lovingly accountable.
From “breadcrumbs” to genuine partnership, from therapist to coach, Dr Jeni’s story is ultimately about transformation: the kind that starts inside one heart, then changes the whole dance.
You can contact Dr Jeni at:
https://www.powerfulove.com/results
Contact/follow on Facebook @jeni.wahlig
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